with Relationship Sexpert Larry James
Forgiveness. . . What's it For?
Larry James
- LoveNote. . . If we
really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Forgiveness works! It is often difficult, AND it works!
We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong
must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My
thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the
person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison
(continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!
Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." Believe it!
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR
someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the
situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy
further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is
forgiven.
Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better
future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be
the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive
thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better
future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.
Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the
process that heals the hurt.
- LoveNote. . . One
pardons to the degree that one loves. - Francios De La Rochefoucauld
Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there
are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and
a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set
creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.
There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!
Some will argue that in the case of child abuse, the Holocaust, Saddam Hussain, 9-11, etc, the abuser
has no "right" to forgiveness -- such blessings can only be earned -- that forgiveness
only leads to further victimization. Such acts are heinous and dispicable and with
time (and in many cases, therapy) they can be forgiven. Every day you may have to
forgive again.
The greatest misconception about forgiveness is the belief that forgiving the offense, such as an affair,
means that you condone it. Not true. In fact, we can only forgive what we know to be wrong.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you.
Another misconception is that it depends on whether the person who did you wrong apologizes, wants you back,
or changes his or her ways. If another person's poor behavior were the primary determinant for your healing then the unkind
and selfish people in your life would retain power over you indefinitely. Forgiveness is the experience of finding
peace inside and can neither be compelled nor stopped by another.
I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain
the victim. Remember, you always have choice.
- LoveNote. . . Love is an
act of endless forgiveness. - Peter Ustinov
When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never
forgiven. . . owns you! How about an affair? Just because you choose to forgive, does
not mean you have to stay in the relationship. That is only and always your choice. The
choice to forgive is only and always yours.
When you feel that forgiveness is necessary, do not forgive for your "their" sake.
Do it for yourself! It would be great if they would come to you and ask forgiveness
but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. That is their
choice. They do not NEED to be forgiven. They did what they did and that is it -
except for the consequences, which THEY must live with.
The hurts won't heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces
genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don't rush it.
Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you.
Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus your energy on the
healing, not the hurt!
Learn to look for and appreciate the love, beauty and kindness around you. It's there,
and you may have to change your thinking and behavior to discover it.
HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have
a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you
continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. Regardless of the
situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your
boss or anyone who you think may have "done you wrong" is the only way to improve
your chances of a "healthy" relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter!
- LoveNote. . . Genuine
forgiveness is participation, reunion overcoming the powers of estrangement. . .
We cannot love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience
of forgiveness is, the greater is our love. - Paul Tillich
It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until
you heal the hurt and upsets of the past.
Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they
have committed against you and to move on with your life. It’s the only way. It
means cutting them some slack.
"What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" Let go! Move on!
Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a
sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from
depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.
- LoveNote. . . The things
that two people in love do to each other they remember. And if they stay
together, it is not because they forget, it is because they forgive. - From the
movie, Indecent Proposal
Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never forget AND you can choose to
forgive. As life goes on and you remember, then is the time to once again
remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary,
then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory
of the hurt; the memory will fade.
Always remember that you are human. Sometimes people do and say hurtful things. It is
important to focus on what you have done to learn from the experience.
Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to
liberated people at peace with our memories. It is not forgetfulness, but it
involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.
There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a
new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.
If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. You CAN let
go. . . and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life
either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your
choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or
further away from it. There is no middle ground. Change is constant.
- LoveNote. . . To forgive
is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold
peace and happiness. - Robert Muller
Want peace of mind? Forgive. The same energy you use to hold on (to not
forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new and exciting relationship
TOGETHER; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.
Forgiveness helps you move forward. No one benefits from forgiveness more than the one who forgives!
Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. The very word forgiveness is built on the
root word give. Forgiveness releases your partner from your criticism and also
releases you from being imprisoned by your own negative judgments. It is not
surrender, but a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment. In affect, it
takes the poison our of your body. It cleanses your system of the poison that
will surely fester and cause illness and continued misery if not released. You
cannot take the poison and expect someone else to die. They will go on with
their life and you will be the only one to continue to suffer.
- LoveNote. . . You know
you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. - Rev. Karyl Huntley
Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Forgiving someone else takes moral
courage. It ends the illusion of separation, and its power can change misery
into happiness in an instant. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on, and
favor the positive.
Forgiveness is a form of love within the context of a personal crisis. To
forgive is, in a sense, to love one’s enemy. When forgiveness is given because
you think you should, it no longer is forgiveness but an act of self-interest.
Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin
defines forgiveness as "giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and
offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not
entitled."
Mona Gustafson Affinito says, "Forgiveness means deciding not to punish a perceived
injustice, taking action on that decision, and experiencing the emotional relief that follows."
It is important to recognize that your distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and
physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you five minutes ago or five years ago.
Research has shown that people who are deeply and unjustly hurt by others can heal emotionally and,
in some cases, physically by forgiving their offender.
Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that is often
passed on to those around you. Forgiveness helps you make peace with your past.
Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. The only people you should ever want to get even with are those who have helped you.
Forgiveness. What it's for? It creates the freedom to create a new future beginning now!
- LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. - Mark Twain
- LoveNote. . . Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde
- LoveNote. . . "When you forgive, you essentially undo the ability to blame." When you stop blaming
yourself, you start to like yourself and you're much more fun to be around. You get your power back over your life. That is the power of
forgiveness. - Eldon Taylor
- LoveNote. . . There is no revenge so
complete as forgiveness. - Josh Billings
- LoveNote. . . The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. - Mahatma Gandhi
- LoveNote. . . When you hold resentment
toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that
is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. - Catherine Ponder
- LoveNote. . . One of the most lasting
pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely
forgive an enemy - whether he know about it or not. - A. Battista
- LoveNote. . . Forgiveness
is the release of all hope for a better past. - Alexa Young
Be sure to read,
"Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All"
by Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD.
Copyright © - Larry James. Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With."
• If you would like to talk
one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a
private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching
for specific details.
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