with Relationship Sexpert Larry James
SEX: Monogamy is Not Monotony
John Lundholm, Guest Author
Recently, I was browsing the internet looking for information on Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP is a
powerfully effective, linguistically based approach to enhancing human potential. Additionally, NLP is a set of
tools and strategies for effective interpersonal communications and influence. I found a website promoting a
program that used NLP as a tool for seduction.
I thought this was interesting, and logical, since seduction is a form of interpersonal influence,
and NLP excels in this regard. I was initially put off by the site builder's style and promotional tactics.
Nevertheless, I looked over the site and had to admit that, although I may not fully agree with how they
are being applied, the principles being applied are sound.
I also noticed the testimonials. The main point of the various testimonials was how many women the users of
these techniques were having sex with now. They boasted of the many sexual conquests made possible by the use
of these techniques. They made it sound so exciting, so appealing.
Here I am married 20 years, twenty faithful years, to the same woman. Do I miss the single life? I could
use these techniques, couldn't I? I could be the one having wild, "mind-boggling" sex with an ever changing
bevy of willing partners. But would I want to?
Quite honesty, no. I don't envy the man who has a steady stream (or so they claim) of willing partners.
I don't envy the man who regularly enjoys the excitement of new sexual conquests. (Well, no more than just a
tinge.) I would have envied them 25 years ago, but now I have something better.
When sex is merely a physical act, it is, at best, an act of two persons mutually allowing another to use
his or her body to gain pleasure. Sex is wonderfully, physically pleasurable, but it is more than just physical pleasure.
Sex, at its best, is an intense pleasure for the soul as well. It can be an expression of love and trust
in another. It is mutual giving and receiving; giving the needs and desires of the partner the same
consideration as one's own needs and desires. Sex in this situation is more than a matter of satisfying
a physical drive. It satisfies the drive for connectedness, true intimacy, with another.
Sex with any willing partner is nice enough. Making a life long commitment, struggling together through
lean times, packing and moving together, raising kids and dogs, and fighting and making up, and making the
best of mistakes together all add something to sex that is more than "nice". Call it a spiritual thing if y
ou wish. It is intimacy at its best, it is the hidden treasure of monogamous long term relationships. This
isn't possible with a stranger.
Granted, not all long term relationships reach a level of maturity. It doesn¹t happen magically just
because you spend a long time with someone. It takes work. Intimacy happens when two persons work at it.
Intimacy builds security. The security of a long-term relationship enables partners to communicate their
wants and needs openly. Communicating clearly and openly is the single most important thing you can to
improve the quality of your sex life.
Lovemaking in the context of a long-term intimate relationship is not about proving yourself, and not
just about meeting our own needs. It is truly making love, versus just having sex. (Although, even in such a
relationship there are times for "just having sex".)
The ebb and flow of long term relationships can be draining and frustrating at times, but it builds
intimacy and mutual identification with each other. These give love making an intensity, complexity and
richness that isn't possible in short-term relationships, and definitely not in seductor-seductee relationships.
Why do the users of these techniques feel it is an accomplishment to admit they can't find satisfaction
with one woman? Do they want what I have, but are unable or unwilling to give of themselves enough to
achieve the intimacy of a long-term relationship? I don't envy the man with multiple sexual partners.
Better that he should envy me, that I have a life long date with the one woman who more than satisfies.
Copyright © - John Lundholm.
Reprinted with permission. John Lundholm, M.A., R.N. is the author of numerous articles on health and
success. A former licensed Psychotherapist, he is currently a motivational speaker, health counselor
and direct provider in critical care, and webmaster of
The Good Life Now,
Resources for Success and Personal. He has has authored numerous articles on marketing, wellness
and living the good life.
• If you would like to talk
one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a
private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching
for specific details.
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