Celebrate Intimacy

with Relationship Sexpert Larry James

Send us your favorite sexy, risque and funny jokes, stories and one-liner by e-mail and if we use it on this site we will send you a surprise by snail-mail. Be sure to include your full address.

E-mail:  SexyHumor@CelebrateIntimacy.com.

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love." The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to have sex." And Bob wrote "I love sex."

An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: "Woman without her man is nothing".

The men wrote:  "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the women wrote:  "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Q:  How do men exercise on the beach?
A:  By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q:  What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A:  Put the remote control between his toes.

Dear Larry James,

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 3 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mail, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O/ .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

cinsely ous
mdyl

Q:  What do dildos and tofu have in common?
A:  They are both meat substitutes.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Silly Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that they remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"
"I'm afraid not Reverend."
"Oh, dear. What happened?"
"Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she stooped to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and -- suffice it to say -- we lost all control right there."
"Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church."
"Yeah, that's what we figured," the young man sighed. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."  -  George Burns

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."  -  Woody Allen

The latest sex study has determined that the most often used sexual postion for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" asks the first man.

"Oh, nothing special," replies the second. "I'm only having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex? What the heck is that?" asks the first man incredulously.

"Oh, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - Lynn Lavner

Sex coach to couple: "Maybe you ought to consider making love in the morning - before you have a change to piss each other off."

Minister to bride at wedding: "And do you, Sandy, promise to make love only to Larry, month after month, year after year, and decade after decade, until one of you is dead?"

Woman to her date, about to enter her apartment: "I had a great time, Devin. Would you like to come in, settle down and raise a family?"

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

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