Celebrate Intimacy

with Relationship Sexpert Larry James

Send us your favorite sexy, risque and funny jokes, stories and one-liner by e-mail and if we use it on this site we will send you a surprise by snail-mail. Be sure to include your full address.

E-mail:  SexyHumor@CelebrateIntimacy.com.

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors:

• Put bifocals on. Double-check that you're with the right partner.
•  Set the alarm on your clock for 2 minutes. . . in case you doze off in the middle.
•  Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
•  Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. . . just in case.
•  Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

First Woman: "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".
Second Woman: "You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?"
First Woman: "Snuff."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged woman upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady #1: What's that?

Lady #2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady #1: Where did you get it?

Lady #2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady #1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady #1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Q:  What's the height of conceit?
A:  Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

On hearing that her 89 year old grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit and comfort her grandmother. "How did grandfather die," she asked.

Grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 90 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

There was a couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

SAT Question to 16 Year Old: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Student: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

SAT Question to 16 Year Old: What is the most common form of birth control?
Student: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Thought For The Day  -  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and erections and no recollection of what to do with them!

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

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