Celebrate Intimacy

with Relationship Sexpert Larry James

Send us your favorite sexy, risque and funny jokes, stories and one-liner by e-mail and if we use it on this site we will send you a surprise by snail-mail. Be sure to include your full address.

E-mail:  SexyHumor@CelebrateIntimacy.com.

A patient goes to the doctor complaining about his inability to keep going during sex. The doctor gives him some medicine as a cure. A couple of weeks later he sees his patient in the street.

Doctor: Hi, Jim. Glad to see you. You're looking well. Has the medicine worked?

Patient: You bet, Doc. Just great.

Doctor: I'm very glad. But I like to keep up my research. How did you do last night?

Patient: A lot better. Five! (He holds up five fingers, smiling).

Doctor: WoW! Five, eh? Very good. Five times!

Patient: Oh, no Doc. Five seconds.

Oldtimer: Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Friday, but on Wednesday, I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

Tony wakes up at home with a HUGE hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tony looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tony asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Tony asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone. . . I'm married!'"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes passed.

The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat.

The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.

Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

He said: "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and drink beer and fart."

Margaret and Clem, an elderly couple, were in the kitchen having lunch when Clarence asked, "Margaret, whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long, thoughtful silence, Margaret replied, "You know, Clem, I'm not sure. I don't even think we received a Christmas card from them last year."

When the couple returned from their honeymoon it was apparent to everyone that they weren't speaking to each other. The best man took the groom aside and asked him what as wrong.

The groom answered, "When I got up to go to the bathroom after making love on our first night, I wasn't thinking and put $50 under the pillow."

"I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure your wife will get over it soon," said the best man.

The groom slowly nodded his head and said, "Perhaps, but what I can't get over is the fact that she gave me $25 change."

A husband enters the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

"What's that for, dear," his wife asks.

"It's for your headache, honey," he responds.

"But, I don't have a headache," she says.

"Gotcha!" he replies with a smirk.

A couple in their late sixties went to see a sex therapist. When the doctor asked what he could do for them, the man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

Although puzzled by the request, the doctor agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor examined them again and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This continued for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected at their age, get dressed, pay the doctor, and leave.

Finally, after nearly two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married, so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Hilton charges $85. The Holiday Inn charges $74. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "It's obvious that men enjoy sex more than women. Why else do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove a thing," countered the woman. "Think of it this way: when you have an itchy ear and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull your finger out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

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