with Relationship Sexpert Larry James
More. . .
Jokes, Funny Stories, One-Liners!
Send us your favorite sexy, risque and funny jokes, stories and one-liner by e-mail and if
we use it on this site we will send you a surprise by snail-mail. Be sure to include your full address.
E-mail:
SexyHumor@CelebrateIntimacy.com.
• • •
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she got married she was to please her husband and
never do anything to upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she
stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.
Blushing, she quickly looked up and said, "'Scuse please, front hole so happy, back hole whistle."
• • •
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, and pinched her on her butt, and said, "You know
if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke
his wife up with a pinch on the breast, and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place
she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."
• • •
There are three kinds of men;
1. The ones who learn by reading.
2. The few who learn by observation.
3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
• • •
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the Green Grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated
the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
• • •
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before
tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to
broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that
one word or two?"
• • •
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the
baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for
awhile in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under
weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
• • •
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart
attack and the boy next door joined the army."
• • •
A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was preparing dinner.
His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."
The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking with no comment to her husband.
As she put the dinner on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.
While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said, "Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"
The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on t he table and begins eating with no comment to her husband.
Later on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up
to his wife he noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.
She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one little corn cob?"
• • •
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