with Relationship Sexpert Larry James
More. . .
Jokes, Funny Stories, One-Liners!
Send us your favorite sexy, risque and funny jokes, stories and one-liner by e-mail and if
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E-mail:
SexyHumor@CelebrateIntimacy.com.
• • •
Sex is now classified as a misdeameanor. . . the more you miss. . . da meaner ya get!
• • •
Maude and Owen, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered
over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Owen asked Maude
out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Owen asked Maude to join him at his
place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude
soon joined Owen for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in private
thoughts.
Owen was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have removed my pantyhose."
• • •
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the
mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what
do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
him, "You'll sleep with her again!"
• • •
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy
asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school"
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad
replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men, the dad answers. Two for
Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March..."
• • •
Wife at the perfume counter: "I want my husband to pay more attention to me. Got any perfume that smells like a computer?"
• • •
Hey guys! Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
• • •
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
• • •
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:
1. Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
2. Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if
the right buttons are pushed, but it can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald, and often it's over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it -- and, of course,
there's the hot air part.
5. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
8. Hourglass -- Female, because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10. Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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