Celebrate Intimacy

with Relationship Sexpert Larry James

A surprising percentage of couples in committed relationships have little or no time for physical intimacy. It's not just fatigue that's putting the "ex" in sex. Researchers point to causes both physical and psychological.

The problem of committed partners having little or no sex is very real - and more pervasive than people may believe. According to a widely cited estimate from 1993, 16 percent of married Americans have not had sex in at least a month. An unknown additional percentage have sex only once or twice a month, which most experts say qualifies as low-sex.

Not having physical closeness is a real barometer that something is wrong in the relationship. People who don't have sex are unhappier, and they are more likely to leave the relationship.

Denise Donnelly, a Georgia State University sociologist reported in the Journal of Sex Research that certain demographic traits and other indicators are associated with sexually inactive marriages.

She analyzed sample responses from 6,029 married individuals from a study called the National Survey of Families and Households conducted by University of Wisconsin in 1993 and found the odds of infrequent sex rose the less time couples spent together, the fewer kids they had, the older they were and the less they argued about sex.

How often is often enough?

Good and frequent sex nourishes relationships. Sex energizes the marital bond.

Sex - intercourse and other forms of erotic touching - is an essential part of a healthy marriage. Some couples who have sex rarely or not at all can still have a satisfactory relationship, but they are a minority.

Experts say individuals' need for sex varies tremendously, and there are no normal or optimal frequencies for sexual activity. Donnelly said average couples have sex seven or eight times a month.

On the other hand, the landmark 1994 "Sex in America" study by the University of Chicago found that Americans have sex about once a week. But statistical norms may hold very different relevance for singles in a budding romance or for couples who wed 30 years ago.

Research consistently shows that sexual activity ebbs with the duration of marriage. "It's quite clear that over time we do get bored with our sexual partners," Donnelly said. "But age shouldn't be something that limits people" from an active sex life.

Young or old, married or unmarried, gay or straight, experts caution that there is no magic number of times weekly that couples ought to be "doing it." Only individuals themselves can determine whether they're left sexually wanting. If the person says `I'm not having sex, and it bothers me,' then it's a problem."

Joy Davidson, a certified sex therapist in Seattle, cautions couples to be honest about their true level of desire for sex. Couples who have stopped having regular sex - whether it's been months or years - may be in denial about how troubled they are by it.

"They say, 'We cuddle. We're still best friends,' " Davidson said. "It's a way of justifying the status quo. Deep down, at least one of them really wants a sexual relationship."

Why bedrooms become boring and barren.

There are multiple reasons why couples forgo or avoid sex. Sometimes the cause is medical. Premature ejaculation, for instance, is one of the most common sex inhibitors for men. Even when the condition has been treated, some men may continue to feel anxious about their performance, leading them to shun intimacy.

Side effects from medication can also be a culprit. Antidepressants can impair libido or make it more difficult to achieve orgasm. Menopause decreases women's sex-hormone levels and vaginal lubrication, which can make intercourse painful and less appealing.

It's unknown how many sexless marriages and relationships have roots in medical vs. non-medical causes. But in the past decade, clinical and pharmaceutical advances such as Viagra have helped to spark a scientific focus on sexual dysfunction.

It isn't always easy to tell whether lack of sex is a symptom of a relationship in distress or the other way around. But when couples who once enjoyed a robust sex life gradually abstain, chances are that something in the relationship has gone awry.

Donnelly's study of involuntary celibates has found that couples seldom cease having sex abruptly. The majority of sexless relationships evolved slowly. Donnelly's research was based on a survey of 82 people recruited over the Internet. The group was composed of a mix of singles, couples, virgins, straight, gay, and bi-sexual men and women.

Partners cited a variety of reasons why the sex stopped: affairs, pregnancies, loss of desire, drug or alcohol abuse. Others blamed physiological reasons, such as when one partner gained weight or lost his or her looks.

McCarthy said a leading problem is unequal appetite for sex. In such relationships, one partner always wants more sex than the other, triggering a potential cycle of rejection and resentment. McCarthy said that pattern can become a trap because the less sex people have, the lower their desire falls.

Punishment and power plays.

Conflict and anger, too, are common ingredients in low-sex relationships. For instance, newly married people sometimes become disillusioned with their partners, leading to sexual alienation. Holding out sexually is a way for the partner to demonstrate hostility.

Davidson, the Seattle therapist, said that women in particular may resort to denying sex as a form of punishment or power play. She said that if one spouse is working excessive hours, for instance, the neglected partner may pull away sexually out of resentment, which could give the workaholic spouse justification to further stay away.

McCarthy said couples should be honest in examining the state of their relationships. It could be that the spouse with supposedly low libido is having cybersex or masturbating frequently, he said. Or one partner, more often the woman, may want and need more sexual intimacy but is hesitant to initiate touch, "especially if it's intercourse or nothing."

Then there are transitory causes for reduced sex. Studies have shown that postnatal depression can cause women to have sex less frequently three months after delivery, and that their enjoyment of sex can drop significantly nine to 12 months after childbirth.

As for the popular DINS theory, Hyde's research found no link between how many hours a woman worked and how often she had sex. In fact, Hyde discovered that career-motivated women had intercourse more often than any other group of women.

Fatigue was the strongest predictor of diminished sexual desire in women, Hyde found. And women who are homemakers reported feeling just as tired as women who worked full time.

Keeping the flames burning.

Therapists are unanimous in their belief that the flames of marital passion should be kept burning at all times.

"There are a lot of reasons why the sex stops, but once it happens, it's hard to ignite it," said Davidson, who has just released a book on the subject. "Not having sex becomes very comfortable and very familiar."

McCarthy said couples should keep touching each other erotically, learn to pleasure each other and, frankly, sometimes just do it.

"Sex is like anything else in life. The more you get into the rhythm of doing it, the more comfortable you are doing it," he said.

McCarthy believes that the marital link is paramount in any family - even busy ones filled with work and kids.

"The most important bond in the household is the husband and wife bond. It's important not to let that go," he said. "You are going to be better parents if you are a better couple."

Test Yourself: Are You in a Low-Sex Marriage?

Take this test from the book, Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages by Barry and Emily McCarthy.

True or False?

1. Sex is more work than play. T F

2. Touching always leads to intercourse. T F

3. Touching takes place only in the bedroom. T F

4. You no longer look forward to making love. T F

5. Sex does not give you feelings of connection and sharing. T F

6. You never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse. T F

7. Sex is limited to a fixed time, such as Saturday night or Sunday morning. T F

8. One of you is always the initiator, and the other feels pressure. T F

9. You look back on premarital sex as the best time. T F

10. Sex has become mechanical and routine. T F

11. You have sex once or twice a month at most. T F

Scoring If you answered "true" five or more times, or if you answered "true" to item 11, you are in a low-sex marriage.

Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages - Barry & Emily McCarthy - This book first shows couples how to root out the "poisons" that inhibit sexual desire: shame, guilt, anger, passivity, as well as medical side effects and physical dysfunctions. With sensitivity and tact, the McCarthys then lay out concrete techniques and effective strategies that help couples increase sexual awareness, confront inhibitions, revitalize desire, and integrate intimacy and eroticism.

What blocks sex?

According to a 1993 research study by Denise Donnelly, then a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire, 10 demographic traits and other factors can predict how frequently married couples have intercourse or engage in other types of sexual activity.

Preschoolers:  Fathers of preschoolers reported having less sex than men without preschoolers. Donnelly believes men may be more likely than women to view young children as intruders into their sex lives.

Probability of separation:  Couples who planned to separate within 12 months had sex less often.

Age:  This is a powerful predictor; the older the respondent, the greater the odds of being in a low-sex marriage.

Years married:  Men married longest reported less-frequent sex, but the duration of marriage was not a significant predictor for women.

Marital happiness:  Not surprisingly, the happiest couples also were the friskiest.

Health status:  Failing health decreased the likelihood of sex for men, but not for women. Donnelly theorizes that older women may feel duty-bound to have sex even in ill health.

Shared activity:  Husbands and wives who talked more and did things together were more sexually active.

Number of children:  More kids, more sex. Reason: Presence of children may indicate that the marriage is stable.

Arguments over sex:  Couples who didn't have sex much also argued about it much less. Researchers theorized that these couples may have grown accustomed to not having sex and don't feel the need to discuss it.

Violence:  Another unexpected finding was the link between violence and higher sexual activity reported by women. Some researchers attribute this to the fact that some violent couples use sex to make up after fighting. Others believe that some couples are more physical when it comes to expressing love or anger. The correlation between sex and violence existed only for women, suggesting that some men may use sex as a form of control or dominance.

The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido - Michele Weiner-Davis - This book offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals.

Note: The author of this article is unknown. It was sent by e-mail to Larry James with no author acknowledgement.

•  If you would like to talk one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching for specific details.

Articles Menu

Site Map